gravitys

In the past year and a half, I feel like John lost himself somewhere along the way. Because to be completely honest, his new album isn’t that great from what I’ve heard so far.

None of his new songs have spoken to me yet, have hit home, have affected me like all of his previous albums have. I’m kind of disappointed.

I want to know what happened and where it all went wrong. Why isn’t he the same artist he used to be? He used to make INCREDIBLE music. Music that you felt, music that you connected with, music that you believed in. He didn’t do that this time.

I almost feel like he felt as though he needed to produce something, and this is the end result. Almost like the process was rushed or insincere. 

This just doesn’t seem like him. John is better than this. He is worth more than this. But that’s just my person opinion.

What do you think of his new songs so far?

I don’t like the game, so I won’t play it.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of falling for people. I’m tired of getting hurt.

I’m. Just. Tired.

:’(

I’m not the girl who sits around and waits. I’m the girl that goes after what she wants.

I’m not the girl that stays quiet. I’m the girl who speaks whats on her mind.

I’m not the girl who is scared. I’m the girl who takes a risk, the girl that’s fearless.

I’m not the girl who plays games. I’m the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

I’m not the girl who is selfish and cold. I’m the girl with the huge heart who gives and gives and gives with all she has.

I’m not the girl who takes her time, who takes things slow. I’m the girl who lives life rapidly and falls hard and falls fast.

I’m not the girl who will change for anyone. I’m the girl who stays true to who she is.

I’m the girl who wants a boy that loves me for who I am. Fearless, outspoken, loving, caring, wild and free. I’m the girl who wants the guy who is going to appreciate everything about me and can’t get enough. I’m the girl who is going to fall crazily in love with someone who is crazily in love with me.

Why didn’t I see it?

I was so incredibly foolish. I did such stupid things to my mind, my body and my life. Reading back on all of my old posts nearly disgusts me. 

I was “so happy” and I “loved my life.”

THE FUCK?

Why in the world was is okay for me to be happy for a few hours because of a substance? It wasn’t natural happiness. It was artificial happiness. It was destruction.

I have flashbacks all the time. Glimpses of my old life come back to me.

I just don’t get it anymore. I am so baffled at what I did to myself.

And then to watch the people I love and care about continue to wither away.

I just can’t.

I’m 74 days sober but it feels like a fucking lifetime. I am so proud of myself. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I never want to go back to that life.

When I wish I never met you at all.

Times like these when I wish I could just erase you from my memory.

It’s time like these when I miss you the most. When I want you back in my life, even if it’s just for a couple hours.

Times like these when I miss the way you made me feel. The way you made me love with all that I had.

It’s times like these when I miss how perfect you were. How amazing you made everything seem.

Times like these when I wish you were more than just a memory.

It’s times like these when I regret you.

It’s times like these that I wish you didn’t exist.

It’s time like these when I feel weak, disappointed and angry at myself.

But I’ll never give into you. I’ll never let you get the best of me again.

Because then I remember how badly you ruined my life. How destroyed I am because of you. I remember the three near death experiences I had because of you. And how I’m still working so hard to pick myself up and put the pieces back together.

I loved you, Molly. But now I eternally hate you.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

I said fuck that new girl that’s been in your bed
And when you’re in her, I know I’m in your head