gravitys

I honestly don’t know why I do this to myself. I’m always so much happier alone - without ever having to worry about someone else.

Every time I fall for a guy, I get so caught up in everything that’s going on. They essentially consume my thoughts. I’m always wondering what they’re doing, why they’re not texting me, if they like me, if they hate me, if I’m annoying them, if they’re seeing other people, if the things they say to me are exactly what they say to someone else. It literally eats me up inside and I go into this like depression.

It’s always in the beginning when it’s too early to ask questions but too early to tell if all the right signs are there. So I worry and I worry and I worry. I make myself crazy over a guy who probably doesn’t even give a shit about me. Hence, why I’m writing this right now. I have so much on my mind but I can’t talk to him about it - and talking to a friend won’t help either.

I just know what I need to do, but I can’t take my own advice. I can’t just not worry or wonder. I can’t just leave it be and let things happen. I always have to know what’s going on and what’s on their minds. And yet, time and time again I get hurt. I get left. I get played. Each and every guy takes a piece of me with them and never gives it back. They break me a little bit more every single time. 

I was so closed of and so shut down for so long, then someone came along and made me vulnerable again. He broke down the wall… and then he left without giving me the strength to build it back up again. And that strength is so hard to find.

So here I am.. alone again. Still broken. Pieces are still missing. And I’m just going to keep worrying until this one takes a piece of me and leaves me a little more broken than I was before.

I wonder what life would be life if certain things hadn’t happened. If people who used to be in love, never stopped loving each other. If passions never faded, and if dreams always came true.

What would life be like if the life you once thought you would have didn’t just disappear before your eyes?

When I was only three years old, I took my first dance class - ballet to be exact. I was clearly too young to actually realize what I was doing. But what I do remember was being nine years old and performing my first ever jazz solo. My heart was racing, the lights were so bright (and so was my purple velour unitard), and all I could see was the black of night auditorium in front of me. Not the hundreds of faces that were watching me as I danced along that stage. But it was just me, the music and my dancing. And when I finished, I was so damn proud of myself. And from that moment on, I fell in love with dancing. But it didn’t take long for me to outgrow my passion. Within two or three years, I felt inadequate to the girls who had been performing five days a week for their entire lives… So I stopped. And on account of the fact that my mom couldn’t afford my studio time anymore.

It just makes wonder… What would my life be like now if I never stopped dancing? If I kept performing on that stage - just me and the music and my dancing. What kind of person would I be now? What kind of life would I have? Would it be any different? Would I even like it? Or would I hate it?

When I was in high school, I used to love taking photos. My first, and only, digital SLR camera was a Canon XTi. She was my baby. I named her Lily. She ran me a whopping $700. I saved up my paychecks for weeks and weeks before I finally made the big move. And as soon as I got my hands on her, I couldn’t let her out of my sight. I took her everywhere with me. She helped me see the world in a different way. I was always so happy and adventurous and eager to shoot. The setting sun was, and always will be, my favorite thing to photograph. I still remember the most amazing sunset I’ve ever seen. It was during the fall of 2008. I was looking out of my bedroom window of my 3rd floor dorm and I was just left breathless. I couldn’t believe that the earth was capable of producing such a beautiful sky. It was as if someone had taken a paintbrush to the sky and turned it into a masterpiece. The saddest part is, I can’t remember the last time I picked up my camera…

So what would my life be like today if I hadn’t stopped taking photos? Would I be any different? Would I have chosen a different major in school? Would I have landed a different job?

And then there’s always the age old question… What would my life be like now if we hadn’t broken up? If we hadn’t fallen in love. Well, I could write for years about this. About you. About him. About us. But that would just take far too long and open up way too many old wounds. However, it’s nice when certain things remind me of you and the love we shared. How happy you made me and how carefree we were. At one point, we had a romance made for a movie, and that makes me smile. I just can’t help but wonder what we would be like today. If we were still in love. Or if we were to ever love again…

There are so many unanswered questions I have about my life. And there are so many things I wish I would have done differently. But at the same time, I wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am at this very moment if my life hadn’t panned out exactly as it has for the past 21 years.

In the past year and a half, I feel like John lost himself somewhere along the way. Because to be completely honest, his new album isn’t that great from what I’ve heard so far.

None of his new songs have spoken to me yet, have hit home, have affected me like all of his previous albums have. I’m kind of disappointed.

I want to know what happened and where it all went wrong. Why isn’t he the same artist he used to be? He used to make INCREDIBLE music. Music that you felt, music that you connected with, music that you believed in. He didn’t do that this time.

I almost feel like he felt as though he needed to produce something, and this is the end result. Almost like the process was rushed or insincere. 

This just doesn’t seem like him. John is better than this. He is worth more than this. But that’s just my person opinion.

What do you think of his new songs so far?

I don’t like the game, so I won’t play it.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of falling for people. I’m tired of getting hurt.

I’m. Just. Tired.

:’(

I’m not the girl who sits around and waits. I’m the girl that goes after what she wants.

I’m not the girl that stays quiet. I’m the girl who speaks whats on her mind.

I’m not the girl who is scared. I’m the girl who takes a risk, the girl that’s fearless.

I’m not the girl who plays games. I’m the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

I’m not the girl who is selfish and cold. I’m the girl with the huge heart who gives and gives and gives with all she has.

I’m not the girl who takes her time, who takes things slow. I’m the girl who lives life rapidly and falls hard and falls fast.

I’m not the girl who will change for anyone. I’m the girl who stays true to who she is.

I’m the girl who wants a boy that loves me for who I am. Fearless, outspoken, loving, caring, wild and free. I’m the girl who wants the guy who is going to appreciate everything about me and can’t get enough. I’m the girl who is going to fall crazily in love with someone who is crazily in love with me.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

I said fuck that new girl that’s been in your bed
And when you’re in her, I know I’m in your head